Stuck to you.

You know all those kids who on their first day in school were proud to be leaving their parents, all swaged up and bouncing to class? Well, I wasn’t one of them. My mum says I refused to let go of her, crying with running nose. I wasn’t like all those nasty children that allowed their tears and catarrh form a confluence and run into their mouth though. Nop! Not me. Oh yeah, the name of my nursery & primary school was “The Playpen Child Development Centre” aka “Playpen” aka “Best school in Port Harcourt”.

Well, there was this girl, being in kindergarten I can’t say I remember but history and all those “outdated-ashamed-to-show-in-public” pictures show that she was there with me all through the siesta session at 12pm everyday to learning the times-table to the part I Start remembering to receiving cane on our bum bum to the time I forgot my bag with all my books at home & came to school with only snacks in a paper bag to the time I wrote common entrances to the time I moved on.

After my JS1 and that terrible road experience my dad says ** in Will Smith mum’s voice from ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s intro** “your moving out of Benin back to Port Harcourt”. That’s how I found myself in JS2B at “Archdeacon Brown Education Centre” aka “ABEC” and there she was again. By the way she came into ABEC in JS2 I wasn’t playing the stalker or the follow follow.

The circle started again. She followed me through those swagless days to being punished in the dining to looking forward to social night to being embarrassed during assembly to feeling fly when a girl gives you her book to take to your hostel to receiving all those plenty awards (Yup! I was a first carrier) to chyking girls to science class to graduating from shorts to trousers to punishing junior students. Then I became Prep Prefect and there she was Assistant Prep Prefect and then graduation.

This is the part where my mother gets tired of seeing me and decides A-Level it is. That’s how I end up in “Showers international High School”. Don’t try to guess, our anthem was that “Showers of blessing” hymn. Do you know the familiar face I met in class that day? That same girl *scratch that* that same lady. Here goes the circle again...

From that impossible english entrance exam of 1500 words about yourself to those daily bus trips from the hostel to school to those Tuesday night vigils to Cambridge exam (I know there are loads to be 'to-ing' to but imma stop here) and then graduation.

First day in “Kwame Nkrumah University of Science and Technology” aka “KNUST” I’m looking for a photocopier trying to complete my registration process and who do I run into? Yup! That same lady. The look on her face wasn’t pleasant she had this genuine “God forbid-I shall not marry you” kind of look. I don’t know if the God forbid was her thinking aloud or she meant to say it. Well, the circle continued.

From 1st year to roommates (by roommate I mean regular visitor, that person that would knock on your door at 2am; go straight to your fridge before 1 thing 1 thing y’all would conclude {s/o to Eiera}) to hearing all her complaints to final year and now KNUST has postponed our graduation indefinitely.

Anyway shout out to that lady; if you like do 40 days fasting and prayer that we should not meet again, you might just be sleeping on a bicycle, you might just be stuck to me.

Shout out to my “living-MR NIGER D” biography MISS ITA CHINELO ARINMAH.


If you don’t know “MR NIGER D” it just proves Playpen is better than your primary school :p.

The Man's Rule

According to the Urban Dictionary, "The Man's Rule" can be defined as collection of rules that every man should live by.
These rules are engraved on the tablets of all men's heart from birth, buried deep in our subconscious. If you wanna know how to tamper with such rules, refer to the movie "inception". Yup! That's how impossible it should be.
Overtime, I've had a lot of reasons to say "dude that's jx against d bro code" hence my decision to write out 20 of those "unwritten & unsaid" codes that all men should be aware of.

1. In an empty room, car, etc., a man can not ask another man if he is angry because he isn’t talking.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

4. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

5. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

6. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.

7. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

8. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

9. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

10. Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening it is gay

11. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

This #11 get as e b sha

12. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

13. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever!

I fink I'm in support of #13 cause all I've got are sisters :D

14. Before allowing a "drunken" friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

15. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it.

16. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

17. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

18. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

19. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

20. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

Let every man teach these codes to their sons & if anyone defaults, take no offense in being called a princess, gay etc.








Coined from: www.liquorwits.com/code.html

A New Year's Gift to Remember.

...and the award for "Outstanding New Year's Gift Ever Given" goes to "The Federal Government of Nigeria". The Gift of "Removal of Fuel Subsidy" was enough to shake 923,768 Sq Km and its 150million occupant dis is minus goats, poultry, cattle, dogs etc. dat haven't eaten because their owners dey vex. I don't have enough money to enter market lemmi cook for dog? Walaha dey.

I'm not an Economic student, Political scholar or a Bsc holder in Fuel Subsidy. I'm just a citizen of the feder... scratch that, I'm just a common man. I won't spend time analyzing the Pros and Cons of the removal of fuel subsidy. Yes! It has Pros too. I'll just state how it has affected me.

Everybody screaming "fuel subsidy, fuel subsidy", putting funny DPs, avatars, cracking jokes, complaining etc. all I could say was "odeshi! Fuel subsidy has got nothing on me". It hit me when the Recharge card vendor sold #750 MTN airtime for #760. I know the amount added on airtime is usually on #100 and #200 for it to reach #750, wahala dey.

ON THE PHONE.
Me: ho boy as u dey commot try pick me from my house make we move together.

"Friend"(notice d friend is in quote): Guy! If u go put fuel for my car I fit "try" reach urside but you just try block me for the place.

That's how I didn't go out again.


ON THE PHONE.
Me: Sweet heart, my car is broken down how about you meet me @silverbird.

Girl: honey, could you come to my place then we'll take a drop.

Me: Waka! Your papa! Who u wan pay for drop. Kmmmt.

Truth be told, the car was parked at home. The tank was almost empty. Money no reach to buy fuel still eat and watch movie.
Above all I have subsidized my louve. I have failed Chigurl.


AT MY JUNCTION.
Taxi: Bros u dey go.

Me: Yes o. Woji jxn. Abi na #50.

Taxi: Bros u dey dis country at all. E don reach #100 o

Me: Ah! Ah! I dey waka dis tin steady

Taxi: As u dey talk fuel dey waste o. If u no wan enter make I go. Inshort trek dey go kmt. *zooms off*


AT THE BARBERS SHOP.
Friend: Just line my hair the normals

Barber: I've finished

*Friend hands over #50*

Barber: Oga the price don change o. #50 for the lining, #100 na fuel subsidy price.

Friend: Guy abeg find me #100.

Dats how I lost a whole 100box I didn't budget for.


AT HOME a new rule has been set; if u can't buy fuel, TREK. Is my father smiling? Only until you park the car with empty tank will you find out.

before I get carried away, let's give it up for Oga Presido as he comes to receive his award. Oga na u abeg, iSalute.


Please can airports be exempted from this strike, a brother has gotta go to school. I promise to strike over there. After all, diaspora or not I'm a Nigerian.


(S/O to all those who replied my BC on how the fuel subsidy has affected them. Thanx Cheso, Amara and Godstime for your contribution).