Monday, July 23, 2012

Stuck to you.

You know all those kids who on their first day in school were proud to be leaving their parents, all swaged up and bouncing to class? Well, I wasn’t one of them. My mum says I refused to let go of her, crying with running nose. I wasn’t like all those nasty children that allowed their tears and catarrh form a confluence and run into their mouth though. Nop! Not me. Oh yeah, the name of my nursery & primary school was “The Playpen Child Development Centre” aka “Playpen” aka “Best school in Port Harcourt”.

Well, there was this girl, being in kindergarten I can’t say I remember but history and all those “outdated-ashamed-to-show-in-public” pictures show that she was there with me all through the siesta session at 12pm everyday to learning the times-table to the part I Start remembering to receiving cane on our bum bum to the time I forgot my bag with all my books at home & came to school with only snacks in a paper bag to the time I wrote common entrances to the time I moved on.

After my JS1 and that terrible road experience my dad says ** in Will Smith mum’s voice from ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s intro** “your moving out of Benin back to Port Harcourt”. That’s how I found myself in JS2B at “Archdeacon Brown Education Centre” aka “ABEC” and there she was again. By the way she came into ABEC in JS2 I wasn’t playing the stalker or the follow follow.

The circle started again. She followed me through those swagless days to being punished in the dining to looking forward to social night to being embarrassed during assembly to feeling fly when a girl gives you her book to take to your hostel to receiving all those plenty awards (Yup! I was a first carrier) to chyking girls to science class to graduating from shorts to trousers to punishing junior students. Then I became Prep Prefect and there she was Assistant Prep Prefect and then graduation.

This is the part where my mother gets tired of seeing me and decides A-Level it is. That’s how I end up in “Showers international High School”. Don’t try to guess, our anthem was that “Showers of blessing” hymn. Do you know the familiar face I met in class that day? That same girl *scratch that* that same lady. Here goes the circle again...

From that impossible english entrance exam of 1500 words about yourself to those daily bus trips from the hostel to school to those Tuesday night vigils to Cambridge exam (I know there are loads to be 'to-ing' to but imma stop here) and then graduation.

First day in “Kwame Nkrumah University of Science and Technology” aka “KNUST” I’m looking for a photocopier trying to complete my registration process and who do I run into? Yup! That same lady. The look on her face wasn’t pleasant she had this genuine “God forbid-I shall not marry you” kind of look. I don’t know if the God forbid was her thinking aloud or she meant to say it. Well, the circle continued.

From 1st year to roommates (by roommate I mean regular visitor, that person that would knock on your door at 2am; go straight to your fridge before 1 thing 1 thing y’all would conclude {s/o to Eiera}) to hearing all her complaints to final year and now KNUST has postponed our graduation indefinitely.

Anyway shout out to that lady; if you like do 40 days fasting and prayer that we should not meet again, you might just be sleeping on a bicycle, you might just be stuck to me.

Shout out to my “living-MR NIGER D” biography MISS ITA CHINELO ARINMAH.


If you don’t know “MR NIGER D” it just proves Playpen is better than your primary school :p.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Man's Rule


According to the Urban Dictionary, "The Man's Rule" can be defined as collection of rules that every man should live by.
These rules are engraved on the tablets of all men's heart from birth, buried deep in our subconscious. If you wanna know how to tamper with such rules, refer to the movie "inception". Yup! That's how impossible it should be.
Overtime, I've had a lot of reasons to say "dude that's jx against d bro code" hence my decision to write out 20 of those "unwritten & unsaid" codes that all men should be aware of.

1. In an empty room, car, etc., a man can not ask another man if he is angry because he isn’t talking.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

4. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

5. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

6. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.

7. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

8. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

9. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

10. Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening it is gay

11. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

This #11 get as e b sha

12. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

13. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever!

I fink I'm in support of #13 cause all I've got are sisters :D

14. Before allowing a "drunken" friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

15. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it.

16. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

17. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

18. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

19. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

20. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

Let every man teach these codes to their sons & if anyone defaults, take no offense in being called a princess, gay etc.








Coined from: www.liquorwits.com/code.html

Saturday, January 7, 2012

A New Year's Gift to Remember.

...and the award for "Outstanding New Year's Gift Ever Given" goes to "The Federal Government of Nigeria". The Gift of "Removal of Fuel Subsidy" was enough to shake 923,768 Sq Km and its 150million occupant dis is minus goats, poultry, cattle, dogs etc. dat haven't eaten because their owners dey vex. I don't have enough money to enter market lemmi cook for dog? Walaha dey.

I'm not an Economic student, Political scholar or a Bsc holder in Fuel Subsidy. I'm just a citizen of the feder... scratch that, I'm just a common man. I won't spend time analyzing the Pros and Cons of the removal of fuel subsidy. Yes! It has Pros too. I'll just state how it has affected me.

Everybody screaming "fuel subsidy, fuel subsidy", putting funny DPs, avatars, cracking jokes, complaining etc. all I could say was "odeshi! Fuel subsidy has got nothing on me". It hit me when the Recharge card vendor sold #750 MTN airtime for #760. I know the amount added on airtime is usually on #100 and #200 for it to reach #750, wahala dey.

ON THE PHONE.
Me: ho boy as u dey commot try pick me from my house make we move together.

"Friend"(notice d friend is in quote): Guy! If u go put fuel for my car I fit "try" reach urside but you just try block me for the place.

That's how I didn't go out again.


ON THE PHONE.
Me: Sweet heart, my car is broken down how about you meet me @silverbird.

Girl: honey, could you come to my place then we'll take a drop.

Me: Waka! Your papa! Who u wan pay for drop. Kmmmt.

Truth be told, the car was parked at home. The tank was almost empty. Money no reach to buy fuel still eat and watch movie.
Above all I have subsidized my louve. I have failed Chigurl.


AT MY JUNCTION.
Taxi: Bros u dey go.

Me: Yes o. Woji jxn. Abi na #50.

Taxi: Bros u dey dis country at all. E don reach #100 o

Me: Ah! Ah! I dey waka dis tin steady

Taxi: As u dey talk fuel dey waste o. If u no wan enter make I go. Inshort trek dey go kmt. *zooms off*


AT THE BARBERS SHOP.
Friend: Just line my hair the normals

Barber: I've finished

*Friend hands over #50*

Barber: Oga the price don change o. #50 for the lining, #100 na fuel subsidy price.

Friend: Guy abeg find me #100.

Dats how I lost a whole 100box I didn't budget for.


AT HOME a new rule has been set; if u can't buy fuel, TREK. Is my father smiling? Only until you park the car with empty tank will you find out.

before I get carried away, let's give it up for Oga Presido as he comes to receive his award. Oga na u abeg, iSalute.


Please can airports be exempted from this strike, a brother has gotta go to school. I promise to strike over there. After all, diaspora or not I'm a Nigerian.


(S/O to all those who replied my BC on how the fuel subsidy has affected them. Thanx Cheso, Amara and Godstime for your contribution).

Monday, January 10, 2011

CARTOONS: Are they for kids or teens?

I’ve been down with malaria for the last 3 days (woe betide all mosquitoes) which means more home time, couch time and television time for me. I spent most of my time watching “Boomerang” yup! Cartoon Network’s Boomerang. I needed the humor jor, escape from the loud gun sounds and “actors wey bullet kno dey see dem eye” on M-net, banging beats on MTV and the never ending vuvuzela buzz on SuperSport 3. (I refuse to comment on “Africa Magic” for fear that I would never stop).

I was watching boomerang alongside my lil sis and I swear I laughed harder than she did. I think this was cause of the jokes she never understood that I did; imma give you a couple of examples;

THE FLINSTONES
In this episode, Fred Flinstone was x-rayed and butterflies were seen flying in his tummy. While my sister kept on starring I went “oh my god, the ‘butterflies in my stomach’ expression”. How many kids knew that?

POPEYE
We all know Popeye the sailor man right? The cartoon I suspect was created by the CIA to convince white kids to eat their vegetables.
Well, in this episode Popeye was stuck on an island with his big buff beard mate when the usual lekpa babe got blown to the island. All of a sudden, two homies laughing on a beach became enemies; fighting over a girl. Popeye even had two digest a can or two of his famous spinach at some point. Seeing how far 2 cartoon guy characters would go after a girl character sure made me laugh more than my sis especially in relation to things around me.

TOM & JERRY
In this episode, Tom’s owner goes for poker night out with “the girls”. Tom calls a pretty female cat over. She eats all his food, pops his wine, clearly dodges all Tom’s attempted hugs and kisses and at he end plays tag-team alongside Jerry to deal the final blow. Poor Tom. I yelled “Damn! she a gold digger” my sis looked at me all confused.

I could give many more examples I came across over the last 3 days but I choose to stop here and ask again “is
cartoons for kids or teens”?

Personally, I’m of the opinion cartoons should be left for the kids. You can’t imagine the headache I got doing all the analysis, at times I went “unbelievable”. Other times my sister just laughed and I wondered was that actually funny. Truth be told, kids are in a world of their own which they share with cartoons and who we to trespass.

Goodbye boomerang, I rather be stuck with my gun sounds, “actor no dey die” movies, vuvuzela buzzes in SA stadiums and the banging beats of Timberland.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Wonderful Grand Mum Taken To A Wonderful place

It was a boring sunday as usual, I was tired of staying at home so I decided to go n see my Grand mum... We gisted, we laughed hard but the weather was getting bad so I told her I gotta leave to avoid the rain. Then she asked, "do you take 'Quaker oat'?". "Yup" I said. She put her hand in her bag n gave me enough to buy 2cartons of Quaker Oat and said "use it for 'Quaker oat' o"...

On monday, she was hospitalised and after two months on the hospital bed she went to rest with the Lord...

I need not say much but the above story tells you what a wonderful Grandmum I had... A woman who impacted the old, young n feeble with her widows ministry n school to mention a few...

Everyone that has known you will surely miss you...

While the burial is going on, I am writing this blog saying I am sorry, I'm not present because of some responsibility bestowed on me. This I regret n ask for your forgiveness.

We will surely miss you.

Rest In Peace Rev. (Mrs) Beatrice Eke, My Own Grandmum.

Written:- 14th August, 2010

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Me and My BIS

With the BlackBerry taking over the market, I just couldn't be left behind. Getting the BlackBerry(BB) wasn't the hard part, I mean my Bold2 is toh bad. The hard part is keeping your BlackBerry Internet Service (BIS) active. Things are expensive and difficult in Nigeria, now MTN decided to set the subscription price at #5000 per month. That could buy me a shirt & a Jean trouser or take me to the cinema for 5 mondays which includes a free drink and popcorn that's "SilverBird Cinemas".

So I've been a loyal MTN customer for 5yrs now, you can imagine how much I've invested in them. Participating in all their promos, loading airtime ranging from #3000 aka booster card to #50 transfer and the day my BIS expires, MTN doesn't even give me a second of grace. My BIS was to expire 8:05pm 5th July, I think they even cut me off 8:04:56pm.

I had to be activated, I couldn't afford being globally disconnected for 12hrs. How was I too get #5k when I just lost my last #5k in a bet for Ghana vs Uruguay quarter-final world cup fixture in which Uruguay shamefully won. I'll write about MTN and their exploitation on the Nigerian citizens later but for now I'm gonna tell you the thoughts that followed;

1) Should I steal fuel from my dads car and sell for #5k in the black market.

2) My sister just travelled, I could sell a couple of her clothes for #5k.

3) How about I just stand on the road n beg till I make #5k.

4) Maybe I could go to church and cook up some story that'll require #5k to settle, I mean its a christian body, they care for their brethren, right?

5) I could hold someone at gun point and demand #5k. I aint the 1st to carry out armed robbery.

6) Everyone comes with a laptop to work, 2weeks ago 2 laptops borrowed legs I could just give 2 more legs and get #5k after sales.

7) Try taking a loan of #5k from the bank that's if they'll not tell the security to throw me out.

8) I could kidnap myself n tell my dad my ransom is #5k. C'mon that's cheap for him, kinda stupid on my path but maybe he might not hesitate to pay although he might be broken down at the thought that his son is worth #5k only..

9) The house is worth way more than #5k, I bet if I can get my hands on the documents anybody would be willing to buy it for #5k.

10) I even thought of selling my BlackBerry for #5k.

These are just a few of the thoughts I can remember among a thousand and one others. In the end I activated my BIS before my 12hrs deadline, I can assure you I didn't use any of the thousand and one evil thoughts the devil put in my head but I can only conclude the BlackBerry is evil n I wonder how many young individuals it has led to a life of crime.

# - Nigerian Naira
K - Thousand

Monday, February 8, 2010

Pursuit Of Happiness

There isn’t love at first sight infact, I don’t believe in that. In my opinion its straight up crap. Well, I just learnt 2 believe in something new, I didn’t tink it actually happened but hey it does “Love grows”. That’s my new belief and that, I didn’t learn from any show, supposed love column or doctor. I learnt from experience. In summary, “I was… or am a victim of love”.

I did not just meet her, I’ve been seeing her around but I just didn’t think of saying hi, ok, I rili did not care. After a while, I got to say hi and hi and hi and even more hi. I guess we were way passed the “hi stage” and began talking, cracking jokes, taunting each other etc. Then, I realized she’s cooler than you thought, she’s fun, she knows you, she kinda makes you comfortable. I realized I wanted to hang out more than usual, I could never get her outta my mind, I was expecting the caller ID or the text msg that just came in to be hers. If I wanted to describe what I felt about her in one word, I’ll say “Gaga”. I didn’t need any therapist or councilor to tell me I was in love.

Was I actually gonna tell her how I feel? Would she be on the same page? Would I have to do a lot of convincing for her to go out with me? I guess fate put me in the right place @ the right time. I seriously do not know where the courage came from but, I told her how I felt. I told her d 3 words I dreaded most, d 3 words I tot I wld neva say…. “I love You”. I popped d question “Wld u go out wit me?”. I could tell she wasn’t expectin dat. She looked so confused, lost, kinda expressionless but giggled. It was kinda embarrassing for me but, I meant every word that came out of my mouth that evening. She practically interviewed me & in summary she said “u kno u gotta giv me tym 2 ansa”. Wow! I’m in love.

I kept doing what every person waitin for an answer does, “keep in touch and do your best to get a positive answer”. I finally got an answer after a long while, it was plain and simple, I literally mean simple. It was made up of 3 words… “Lets be friends”. It hit me so hard. Well, life doesn’t always give us what we want, it just has its ways of screwing us over. I paused for a while, ok a long while and finally replied “yup, lets be friends”. I respect her decision, I’m glad I didn’t hold back, I’m just gonna be a friend & the best friend u can find but deep down in my heart, I know I am still in love.

So, with my glass raised high enough for me to look just above the rims, I propose a toast; “To Friendship”…